Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Thoughts For You

As you live your perfect life, do you think of me? Do I ever cross your mind. Because you cross
my mind a thousand times a day. Do you remember the life you once had? Do you remember your family whom you always loved. Or is life too glorious to remember your imperfect life on
earth. Do you remember me? Do you even know who I am? These questions always haunting my mind, giving me no relief.

I want to think you still remember. I want to believe you still love me. Sometimes I dream of
you looking down at me, cheering for me and loving me. I like to imagine you somehow helping
guide me through life. Can you see me living my life without you? Can you see the gaping hole
in my life that you once filled?

I see signs of you everywhere. Or is it just my mind trying to console my heart so i can get
through the day? And I try to will you here although it never works, and I'm left with
nothing except this meaningless life. I want to be where you are. I want you to meet me at
Heaven's gates, introducing me to all the splendors that await. I want you to walk with me.
I want to catch you up on all that has happened. I want to tell you to your face that I love
you. Looking up to the endless sky just isn't the same.

I have to believe you still know me. I have to believe you still love me. I have to believe
you are thinking of me. My heart just can't bear the pain of thinking you might not.
People say life is short, but for me it's an endless eternity stretching on, not allowing
me to see you again. I just want to be where you are.

I know these words are not perfect and kind of jumbled up, but it's how I feel. It's how I
feel every single day of my endless life. Sometimes the pain is so bad, I can literally feel
my heart tearing in two. You have no idea how much I need you. You have no idea how much I
miss you. You were my rock, my best friend, my mama. And now that you are gone, life is so
bleak and dark.

I never knew what cherishing each moment was until you were gone. I wish I had it all back
again. Since you've been gone, it's just not been the same. You kept the family together. Now
I feel like I belong to no one. So many "I love yous" but they're just words. I want my
family back. I want you back. But my mind reminds me once again that it's all gone, it's
never going to be the same. Not a life worth living.


Andrea Tadpole said...

Wow! Very powerful words. I totally relate to the feelings, especially about life being endless days. Just wanted to remind you that while I can never replace your mom; I do love you and I don't say those words to just anyone. You are a treasure to me. I just wish we lived closer together. Then we could spend more time together. I always here for you, well at least on the phone and email. Anyway, thanks for sharing your heart. I hope that you do see that life is worth living in spite of the pain. My life would suck without you in it!! ~Andrea~

Cara Coffey said...


I am so sorry for your pain, and I pray for you today.