I just want to sleep...

I can't sleep, I toss and turn trying to drift away into nothingness, memories of you keep running through my mind. Of what was and what will never be. Times used to be so simple, nothing like it is today. What I wouldn't give to go back and cherish those fleeting moments of precious time. When I used to feel loved and not used. When I felt accepted and not judged. When I knew all of life's problems would be solved by simple faith. Now all I do is worry, wonder who or what I will lose next. Life is not that simple anymore, reality is a cruel monster trying to eat at my soul.

Taken from a song but speaks measures..."I would die to know you still loved me". Don't you see me here, begging for your love and acceptance? Don't you see I'm not the horrible monster you seem to think I am? I love you more than I could ever express, more than any words could ever describe. I try to earn your love by being what you want me to be. Or at least making you see what you want to see. But I know that isn't true love and never will be. Why can't you just accept me for who I am? Why can't you just love me for me?

I trusted you from the very beginning. I gave you all of me leaving nothing hidden. I thought love would always last forever. But now reality raises it's ugly head and I see you for who you really are. Why do you lie to me? Why do you hide things from me? Why don't you love me like you used to? I still love you and I think always will, but you hurt me more than you will ever know. Every time you hurt me, a little part of me dies. But you don't see it or won't understand it. How can you not see that it's tearing me apart? I gave you everything and now you give me lies and deceit. I no longer trust you, am always wondering what I will find next. Why are you breaking my heart? Do you not even care?

Why do I always feel at a cross road in my life? Can't I find the peaceful content state of mind that I am desperately searching for? Why do I always feel I have to make a painful choice that no one will win in the end? This is not living, just merely surviving. But I'm paralyzed with fear. I'm too scared of the unknown, so afraid of making the wrong choice. So I survive here day after day wondering when the time will come that I will be strong enough to make the right choice, whatever that may be.

I'm just so tired and mentally exhausted, all I want is to fall asleep and not have to think. Sleep is my only relief, a time where I feel nothing. But sleep is far from me tonight, and I am left only with my wandering mind. Always thinking, always worrying, always weighing me down. I just want to sleep....

My Sweet Kitty, Midnight!

My precious baby girl, Midnight



Midnight and Izzie laying/sitting on top of the computer


Midnight

Midnight

Izzie laying in Midnight's bed after she died.

Burying Midnight with her favorite toy which was the ring off a milk jug.

My wonderful boss helping me do one of the hardest things ever. Thank you, Vicki Baker!

Hi everyone! It's been awhile since I've blogged about anything going on in my life. I think about it sometimes, but usually I can't really think of anything to talk about. Seems like I just stay at home or go to work, and I didn't think anyone would want to hear about those things. But tonight I come to you with a heavy heart. My precious little kitty, Midnight died early Sunday morning (May 22nd). When I got home from work on Thursday (May 19th) all my kitties were fine, but after my husband, Jeremiah got home from work he came and woke me up saying that something was wrong with Midnight. He said she was favoring one of her legs. I got up to check on her, and I what saw was so heartbreaking. Her two back legs were dragging behind her when she walked. She couldn't use her legs anymore, and I went into instant hysteria. I immediately started checking online for a vet we could take her to. Everything was closed since this happened in the middle of the night. Finally we found a vet on call and he told us to take her to the pet emergency hospital in Tallahassee. So we got dressed, got Midnight wrapped up in my fuzzy robe and went to Tallahassee. I had no clue what was wrong with her and was scared to death. I cried on and off the whole ride there. We finally arrived after what seemed like hours getting there. The vet said she could have hurt her back from falling or something, but then she checked Midnight's pulse behind her legs and the pulse was very faint. The vet said if it was a back injury the pulse/blood flow wouldn't be affected. She said that Midnight had a blood clot and would need to get on some treatments for it. She would need a blood thinner, antibiotic and pain meds. She asked if we would like to start the treatments there and then resume them closer to where we live. I immediately agreed since I just wanted my baby be well and normal again. They then told us the first treatment would be over $500.00 and there was no way we could afford it. The vet told us we could get her a shot for the pain and then take her to a vet closer to where we live first thing in the morning. They gave Midnight the shot which was $166.00 which I think is totally ridiculously insane. We went home and I got an hour of sleep before I had to be at work. Since I had to work Jeremiah took Midnight to the vet and they said she needed to get half of a baby aspirin daily and pain meds twice a day. They told us if she is not better by Monday to bring her back. I was immediately wary because I knew if she didn't get some kind of antibiotic her back legs would get infected since the blood could not flow there. I worked all day Friday and Saturday. She seemed to be about the same come Saturday evening when I got home from work. I was so worried she would die and I called the vet up again but he wouldn't see her. He just said since we use a vet in another county that I would have to take her to Tallahassee. On Saturday night I put her in the cat bed I bought for her and placed it next to my bed so I could keep a close eye on her. Jeremiah checked on her in the middle of the night and she was still the same. She couldn't walk anymore, she just dragged around very slowly. And she wouldn't eat or drink and I kept giving her water with a syringe since she wouldn't drink on her own. She threw up food once so I thought she had eaten something when I wasn't looking since we kept the food and water close to her at all times. Her voice got weak, her strong meow was now a little squeak. It was so hard seeing her so sick and I was so helpless. I knew if we had had the money to get her the treatments she needed she wouldn't have died. When we got up Sunday morning I immediately went to check on her. I said, "how are you Midnight?" and she didn't move. She usually always lifts her head when she hears me say her name. I snapped my fingers near her ears in case she didn't hear me and she still didn't move. I screamed for Jeremiah to come and he jumped out of bed and came to check on her. He lifted her out of her bed and she was already stiff. He said she's gone and my heart just broke in pieces. I started to sob and I held her in my arms and rocked her little body. I tried so hard to make her wake up or come back to me but she never would. She just laid there with her big bright eyes staring off into nothingness. I buried her that day at my boss' house since she is in a more permanent living place than I am. I am planning on moving someday and didn't want to leave her behind. It's been so hard living without Midnight. She had such a big personality and her presence is missed. I miss her meowing at me all the time, when she wanted to be petted, when she wanted food, her trying to steal food off my plate, her sitting in front of me staring at me the whole time I ate hoping I would give her a bite. Her laying in my lap in the evenings when I would watch TV or read a book, her laying on top of the computer trying to catch the cursor on the screen, or blending in with our black computer desk while she slept and then would scare me when she would move and I didn't know she was there. Her always curious about the outside world and me always telling her "No, Midnight. Get back from the door" when I would come inside. I just miss all the little things about her. I miss her being here. I miss her presence. My kitties are my kids and it's killing me knowing Midnight is forever gone. I was taught to believe that animals can't go to Heaven, but I can't accept that. I have to believe she is in Heaven with my mama. My mama loved cats and I just picture my mom having Midnight curled up in her lap. I know my mama will be taking care of Midnight for me until I get there. Now I am focused on my other two kitties, they have been so sad losing Midnight. After I got home from burying Midnight I found Izzie laying in the cat bed she died in and I know he was missing her. Fluffy hasn't gone outside since Midnight got sick and I know it's because of Midnight. I just miss her so much and cry all the time because she is gone. Some people may think it's silly to feel this much for a cat, but I do and I am not going to apologize to anyone about it. It's me and you can either take me or leave. Frankly I just don't care. I just want my babies and my husband and my family and everyone I love to all be safe, and I don't want to lose anyone else. It's just too painful. Well, it's already late and I need to go to bed because I work tomorrow. I hope everyone is doing well and in better spirits than I am in these days. Good bye until next time...

Paige

Where Are You?

My heart is searching for the right words to say, the words that will make you understand how I feel. Frustration builds up that I can't even think straight. You have me so confused and you always leave me searching for answers. You leave me in the dark to find my own way even though you promised you would always be there. Do you receive joy from my suffering? Are you laughing as you carelessly toy around with my broken heart?

I was always taught to love you with all my heart. I was taught you are full of love and compassion. I was taught you would never put more on us than we can bear. But now I question everything I was taught to believe. I can't bear the pain anymore, I'm sick of it. If you truly loved me, you would not let so many horrible things happen.

I don't feel you here anymore, I haven't felt you in a very long time. I've tried to trust in you. Every single day I try to push away the horrible pain and try to trust that you know what you are doing. Every day I try to blindly follow you through this horrible life. Every day I try to have faith, faith that everything is going to be okay one day. But that day never comes, my answers are never answered, and you leave me alone in this cruel, dark world.

I have cried out to you more times than I could ever count. I've been on my face begging you for help. I tell others that you are the only thing getting me through life. But I'm barely getting by. Surviving just enough to feel this god awful pain. Where are you when I truly need you?

I don't understand so many things. You have all the control. You can make things happen or not make things happen. You have the power to take away some of the bad from this life, yet you choose not to. You choose to see us suffer. You choose to let things happen that breaks us down. People say you love your children, but I don't understand how you could love us and let us constantly suffer. I just don't understand....

Thoughts For You

As you live your perfect life, do you think of me? Do I ever cross your mind. Because you cross
my mind a thousand times a day. Do you remember the life you once had? Do you remember your family whom you always loved. Or is life too glorious to remember your imperfect life on
earth. Do you remember me? Do you even know who I am? These questions always haunting my mind, giving me no relief.




I want to think you still remember. I want to believe you still love me. Sometimes I dream of
you looking down at me, cheering for me and loving me. I like to imagine you somehow helping
guide me through life. Can you see me living my life without you? Can you see the gaping hole
in my life that you once filled?




I see signs of you everywhere. Or is it just my mind trying to console my heart so i can get
through the day? And I try to will you here although it never works, and I'm left with
nothing except this meaningless life. I want to be where you are. I want you to meet me at
Heaven's gates, introducing me to all the splendors that await. I want you to walk with me.
I want to catch you up on all that has happened. I want to tell you to your face that I love
you. Looking up to the endless sky just isn't the same.




I have to believe you still know me. I have to believe you still love me. I have to believe
you are thinking of me. My heart just can't bear the pain of thinking you might not.
People say life is short, but for me it's an endless eternity stretching on, not allowing
me to see you again. I just want to be where you are.




I know these words are not perfect and kind of jumbled up, but it's how I feel. It's how I
feel every single day of my endless life. Sometimes the pain is so bad, I can literally feel
my heart tearing in two. You have no idea how much I need you. You have no idea how much I
miss you. You were my rock, my best friend, my mama. And now that you are gone, life is so
bleak and dark.




I never knew what cherishing each moment was until you were gone. I wish I had it all back
again. Since you've been gone, it's just not been the same. You kept the family together. Now
I feel like I belong to no one. So many "I love yous" but they're just words. I want my
family back. I want you back. But my mind reminds me once again that it's all gone, it's
never going to be the same. Not a life worth living.

Pictures and Memories

"Pictures and Memories"


All I have left of you is in a picture or memory. Never thoughts I'd stare at a picture willing it to come to life. Never thought I'd be so frantically trying to remember ever memory of you. But at the end of the day that's all I have left. You are gone leaving me with nothing but pictures and memories.


Don't get me wrong. I'd be lost without the things that keep me close to you to me. But a picture can't talk and I can't feel you holding my hand with a memory. At the end of the day that's all I have left. You are gone leaving me with nothing but pictures and memories.


Now I've become obsessed with making memories of my own and posting pictures all over my wall. Because I never know who might leave me next, leaving me with nothing but pictures and memories.



Written by Paige Tadpole

My Baby Brother, James Greg!

James Greg Bullington

Hello everyone! I hope everyone had a great weekend and got lots of candy haha. :) Guess how much candy I got? Zero! I suppose when I have children they will bring me some. :) Today I am posting about my baby brother, my last sibling, James Greg. Oh how much I love him! He is one of those type of children that you just want to squeeze his cheeks cause he's so cute! :) Of course he would hate that. :) And I have to say that he is growing up WAYYY too fast! :) But aren't they all?


James Greg was born on February 4, 2000. He is my only sibling who was born in the 2000's and Mama also carried on with calling him by his first and middle name like she started with Maria Rose. He is named after my dad's dad (Billy James) and my dad (Greg). I was 11 years old when he was born, and I was pretty much his second mama. :) I have always called him my baby since I helped raise him, and I still call him that to this day. And of course he HATES it! Haha! I am really trying not to call him that to his face since I embarrass him lol, but he will always be my baby. Even if he gets bigger than me, he will always be my baby! Forever! :D

James Greg and me!

James Greg was and is a sweetheart. He was definitely a Mama's boy, too. Since James Greg was Mama's last baby, she kind of held him closer to her because she wanted him to always be her little baby, too. He was born with a sensitive spirit about him. Not to say that he isn't all boy too, but he definitely had/has such a sweet spirit to him. I remember he used to love stuffed animals and Mama also made some for him. He also really liked Care bears. When Mama was sick, James Greg had a Care bear who got sick with cancer as well. I guess that was his way of coping with Mama's sickness. After a few months, his Care Bear became well again. He also loved to dress up! He would dress up as a cowboy, a soldier, a Native American, Spiderman, etc. He would have rather wear his costumes instead of normal clothes, and he did a lot of the times.

When he was really little Maria Rose got a horse stick for her birthday, and she named the horse, Emily. Well, James Greg then called ALL horses Emily. We would be riding in the car, and we would pass horses in a field and we would ask him what they were. He would shout out, "Emilys"! :D That was so adorable! :D He also had nick names for all his siblings. He called me "Duh Duh", he called Carla, "La La", he called Jared, "Bill", he called Mandy, "Mo Mo", and he called Maria Rose, "Lou La". And he called himself "ME"! :D Soooo cute!!! :)

Today he is still such a sweetheart, and I love him so much! He likes to play baseball, and is really good at it. I have been to one of his games and I was so proud of him! :) When I see him I always want to hug and kiss him, and he is like grossed out. LOL! You know how little boys are. :) He also has a sarcastic side to him, too. If you like something, he will like the opposite of what you like. Example being football teams. Whatever teams my siblings like, he will pick the other team on purpose. :) He is so smart, too!

James Greg, if you are reading this, know that I love you so much. I don't mean to embarrass you lol, but I can't help it. I know that you may not remember me living at home that well since you were so little, but know that when I was there, I was your second mama. And Carla being your third. :) You are my baby brother and I have always loved you so much! You will always hold such a special place in my heart! Know that I am here if you ever need anything, okay? I love you so much and I miss you!
You'll always be my baby!
I love you,
Paige

Carla and I dressed him up in our baby doll clothes and we would play with him when we played "house". :)

James Greg in camo with a dead squirrel.

James Greg in his camo.

James Greg!

James Greg holding Hildago!

James Greg, the cowboy!

James Greg and his birthday cake- Spiderman!

James opening gifts at his birthday party.

James Greg with his Care Bear and Mandy and Maria Rose's Cabbage Patch doll.

James Greg dressed in his soldier costume.

Tough Guy!

James in his baseball uniform.

Captain James Greg!

Sweet smile!

James Greg having fun at the ocean.

Our whole family!

My Rosy Little Sis, Maria Rose!

Maria Rose Bullington

Hello! Wow, I can't believe I am blogging 3 days in a row! :D I really enjoy blogging and when I can think of something to post, I love it! Hope everyone is having a great Sunday!

Today is my little sis', Maria Rose's turn. She was born June 10, 1998. She was the first child born by a midwife, she was the first to be born before her due date (by two days), the first to not like a pacifier and the first to be called by her first and middle names. My mama LOVED Maria Rose put together and she wanted her to be called that. She would always correct us when we just called Maria, and she didn't like other people doing that. Over the years we have called her Rose for short or Rosie. Mama used to say she was her little rosebud. :)

Maria Rose has always had a more independent spirited personality. She loves to laugh and have a good time. She is so sweet & loving and has such a kind heart. She is kind of shy at first when you meet her, but after she warms up she is very friendly and outgoing.

She was the first baby I really remember helping take care of. She was born when I was 9 years old. I remember when we moved when she was a baby I was the babysitter. I kind of had mixed feelings about that since I was missing from all the action(moving things). But I held her, entertained her and kept her company. That is one of my first vivid memories of her as a baby.

When my mom became pregnant with James Greg, Maria Rose was still sleeping with my parents. So Mama and I had to wean her out of their bedroom and into mine and Carla's. We set up a toddler bed for her to sleep in, but where did she sleep every night? With Carla and me! :D But we didn't mind. :) Later on she shared a room with Mandy. Maria Rose and Mandy have always been close since they are close in age like Carla and I are.

Maria Rose always shared my love of cats. Once I had this cat named Prissy and she would suck on the inside of your hand between your thumb and pointer finger. For a long time she would only do it to mine and Maria Rose's hand. She then started sucking my mom's hand. Those were the only three people she ever did it to. My mom also loved cats, too. Guess that's where we got the love for them.

I also remember once when we were little, we were playing outside one evening. My parents were working in the garden we had, and Carla and I were playing with Mandy and Maria Rose in the dirt/sand we had in the drive way. Ground bees started buzzing around us and Carla, Mandy and I ran screaming. Maria Rose was a toddler, and we left her there playing in the dirt. Mama and Daddy came running and Mama scolded us for leaving Maria Rose with bees flying around her. Guess we got what we deserved because we were all stung except Maria Rose. So if I have never apologized for that Maria Rose, I apologize now. :)

If you are reading this Maria Rose, I want you to know that you one of the best sisters a girl could ever ask for. I always love to see your smiling, radiant face. You are so sweet and kind! I pray for you every day that God show you how much I love you! I miss you so much and I love you even more. You will always be my little rosebud, too!
I love you,
Paige




Paige and Maria Rose July/2009

Paige and Maria Rose July/2009

Paige and Maria Rose July/2009

Maria Rose and Paige January/2010

Paige and Maria Rose January/2010

Maria Rose and Paige August/2008

Maria Rose and Paige April/2006

Maria Rose June/1999- Her 1st Birthday!

Maria Rose

Maria Rose- such a cutie pie! :D

Maria Rose- Easter

Maria Rose in her jammies :)

Mandy and Maria Rose- Two Cuties! :)

Maria Rose (Either 2005 or 2006)

Maria Rose with my cat, Prissy!

Maria Rose posing for the camera. (2005 or 2006)

Maria Rose at my second wedding ceremony October/2007

Maria Rose August/2008

Paige, Carla, Jared, Mandy and Maria Rose- Dressed up for a Valentines party at church.

Mama, Paige, Carla, Jared, Mandy, Maria Rose and James Greg on vacation in Pensacola, Florida.