Tuesday, June 14, 2011

I just want to sleep...

I can't sleep, I toss and turn trying to drift away into nothingness, memories of you keep running through my mind. Of what was and what will never be. Times used to be so simple, nothing like it is today. What I wouldn't give to go back and cherish those fleeting moments of precious time. When I used to feel loved and not used. When I felt accepted and not judged. When I knew all of life's problems would be solved by simple faith. Now all I do is worry, wonder who or what I will lose next. Life is not that simple anymore, reality is a cruel monster trying to eat at my soul.

Taken from a song but speaks measures..."I would die to know you still loved me". Don't you see me here, begging for your love and acceptance? Don't you see I'm not the horrible monster you seem to think I am? I love you more than I could ever express, more than any words could ever describe. I try to earn your love by being what you want me to be. Or at least making you see what you want to see. But I know that isn't true love and never will be. Why can't you just accept me for who I am? Why can't you just love me for me?

I trusted you from the very beginning. I gave you all of me leaving nothing hidden. I thought love would always last forever. But now reality raises it's ugly head and I see you for who you really are. Why do you lie to me? Why do you hide things from me? Why don't you love me like you used to? I still love you and I think always will, but you hurt me more than you will ever know. Every time you hurt me, a little part of me dies. But you don't see it or won't understand it. How can you not see that it's tearing me apart? I gave you everything and now you give me lies and deceit. I no longer trust you, am always wondering what I will find next. Why are you breaking my heart? Do you not even care?

Why do I always feel at a cross road in my life? Can't I find the peaceful content state of mind that I am desperately searching for? Why do I always feel I have to make a painful choice that no one will win in the end? This is not living, just merely surviving. But I'm paralyzed with fear. I'm too scared of the unknown, so afraid of making the wrong choice. So I survive here day after day wondering when the time will come that I will be strong enough to make the right choice, whatever that may be.

I'm just so tired and mentally exhausted, all I want is to fall asleep and not have to think. Sleep is my only relief, a time where I feel nothing. But sleep is far from me tonight, and I am left only with my wandering mind. Always thinking, always worrying, always weighing me down. I just want to sleep....