Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Where Are You?

My heart is searching for the right words to say, the words that will make you understand how I feel. Frustration builds up that I can't even think straight. You have me so confused and you always leave me searching for answers. You leave me in the dark to find my own way even though you promised you would always be there. Do you receive joy from my suffering? Are you laughing as you carelessly toy around with my broken heart?

I was always taught to love you with all my heart. I was taught you are full of love and compassion. I was taught you would never put more on us than we can bear. But now I question everything I was taught to believe. I can't bear the pain anymore, I'm sick of it. If you truly loved me, you would not let so many horrible things happen.

I don't feel you here anymore, I haven't felt you in a very long time. I've tried to trust in you. Every single day I try to push away the horrible pain and try to trust that you know what you are doing. Every day I try to blindly follow you through this horrible life. Every day I try to have faith, faith that everything is going to be okay one day. But that day never comes, my answers are never answered, and you leave me alone in this cruel, dark world.

I have cried out to you more times than I could ever count. I've been on my face begging you for help. I tell others that you are the only thing getting me through life. But I'm barely getting by. Surviving just enough to feel this god awful pain. Where are you when I truly need you?

I don't understand so many things. You have all the control. You can make things happen or not make things happen. You have the power to take away some of the bad from this life, yet you choose not to. You choose to see us suffer. You choose to let things happen that breaks us down. People say you love your children, but I don't understand how you could love us and let us constantly suffer. I just don't understand....

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Thoughts For You

As you live your perfect life, do you think of me? Do I ever cross your mind. Because you cross
my mind a thousand times a day. Do you remember the life you once had? Do you remember your family whom you always loved. Or is life too glorious to remember your imperfect life on
earth. Do you remember me? Do you even know who I am? These questions always haunting my mind, giving me no relief.

I want to think you still remember. I want to believe you still love me. Sometimes I dream of
you looking down at me, cheering for me and loving me. I like to imagine you somehow helping
guide me through life. Can you see me living my life without you? Can you see the gaping hole
in my life that you once filled?

I see signs of you everywhere. Or is it just my mind trying to console my heart so i can get
through the day? And I try to will you here although it never works, and I'm left with
nothing except this meaningless life. I want to be where you are. I want you to meet me at
Heaven's gates, introducing me to all the splendors that await. I want you to walk with me.
I want to catch you up on all that has happened. I want to tell you to your face that I love
you. Looking up to the endless sky just isn't the same.

I have to believe you still know me. I have to believe you still love me. I have to believe
you are thinking of me. My heart just can't bear the pain of thinking you might not.
People say life is short, but for me it's an endless eternity stretching on, not allowing
me to see you again. I just want to be where you are.

I know these words are not perfect and kind of jumbled up, but it's how I feel. It's how I
feel every single day of my endless life. Sometimes the pain is so bad, I can literally feel
my heart tearing in two. You have no idea how much I need you. You have no idea how much I
miss you. You were my rock, my best friend, my mama. And now that you are gone, life is so
bleak and dark.

I never knew what cherishing each moment was until you were gone. I wish I had it all back
again. Since you've been gone, it's just not been the same. You kept the family together. Now
I feel like I belong to no one. So many "I love yous" but they're just words. I want my
family back. I want you back. But my mind reminds me once again that it's all gone, it's
never going to be the same. Not a life worth living.