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Saturday, June 13, 2009

My wonderul Mama, Miriam!

Hello once again! Today I want to share with you about my wonderful Mama. I have been having such a heavy heart lately from missing her so much, and I thought that I should tell you how wonderful she was. So here goes...

Her name is Miriam Anne Bullington, and she was the best mother you could ever, ever ask for. She dedicated her life to her children for her family was most important second to God. She never pursued a career, she never had a lot of money, and she did it all for her family. But I can tell you she was rich with love for her family. She wanted as many children as she could have, and ended up having six children here on earth and five children in Heaven. In the last two years of her life I know she survived for her family for that was the only thing on earth worth living for.

She was most definitely the Proverbs 31 woman though she would have been too modest to say that. She lived her life striving to please the Lord. She took the best care of us, and we all knew we were going to be okay with Mama there. She cooked everything homemade, sewed most of our clothes, home schooled all her children, and she did it all with a smile on her face. Whatever she did she tried to the best of her ability to make it the best for us.

She was one of my very best friends, and I could talk to her about most anything. I went to her with my troubled heart so many times, and she was always there to comfort me and give me wonderful advice that I cherish to this day. You never realize the wonderful advice until you are grown, and now I cannot tell her how wonderful she was. She always had time for each of her children, and would listen to each of us individually.

I would always tell her about my dreams about my future, and how I wanted her to be there for everything. I wanted her to help with my wedding, even wanted her to make my wedding dress. I wanted her to be there when I had my own children. I wanted her in my future, and wanted us to experience each chapter of life together. But God had other plans that to this day I don't understand, and I don't think I ever will. It cannot be reasoned in my mind that it was the right time to take her when she still had young children for her to raise. But I guess that's why I am not God. I believe that God has a reason for everything, and I am not trying to say that God doesn't know what He is doing. I am just saying I do not understand why. Why? That is a word I have so many times over the past two years, but I don't think I will have an answer to that question until I reach Heaven. There is a song called "Homesick" by Mercy Me, and there is a phrase in that song that fits perfectly right here.
"Help me Lord because I don't understand your ways. The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know. But even if You showed me, the hurt would be the same."
So even if I knew why my heart would still ache for her. So I am trying my very best to not ask God why, but to just look forward to the day when I can see her again. It seems so far away, but God said life is just a vapor. So I must patiently wait.

Maybe some of you do not know what happened to my Mama. In 2004 she was diagnosed with Lymphoma which is cancer. It was stage four which is the last stage of cancer. The doctors said she was so close to dying when they found the cancer, but God wasn't done with her just yet. She fought two long hard years, and never gave up. She told me that she was fighting for her family. The pain she went through was horrible, and I think if she had not had her family her will to live wouldn't have be so strong. But she did have her family so she fought with all her might. She never went into remission, and in the end of second year the cancer stopped responding to treatments. The doctors pretty much sent her home to die. Mama then tried the natural route, but it was just too late. On September 13, 2006 she left us and went to be with her Father.

Now it's been two years since she has been gone. I never thought I could go without her, that I could live without her. I have but a lot of it has been hell to go through. As time passes by I am sure many people have gotten over it, but not her family. She was such a huge part of my life, for eighteen years she raised me, and I just cannot get "over" it. I don't think I ever will. She was my Mama for goodness sake, and if someone can just "get over it" I would seriously think that person has no heart at all. I know Mama is in a better place, much better than here on earth. She is perfect now, and is in no more pain. She gets to be able to be with her other children now, and I am thankful she is in no more pain. I just miss her terribly, more than anyone could ever know. I have heard it all about how I will get to see her one day, about how time heals, about how now we just need to let her go and think about the memories. All those things are true, but none can ease the pain. Nothing will ever make the pain go away because she is GONE. And there's nothing I can do about it. I can never talk to her again, can never hear her voice, can never ask for advice, she will never be in my future. All the dreams I had of sharing my future with my Mama are GONE. That is why I hurt. And anything people say will never make that hurt go away.

I guess I just want to say that I love my Mama with all of my heart and always will. I never realized just how much she was apart of my life, and now I can't say thank you. I cannot wait to get to Heaven! I imagine when I walk through the pearly gates she will be the first person I see. I cannot wait for that long embrace when I get to hold her again. When I get to hear that sweet, beautiful voice again. Oh, how that will be glory! I will never be able to say how wonderful she was because I don't think there are enough words in the English language to be able to do that. But trust me when I say she was the BEST! I am so thankful God chose me to be the daughter of the best Mama in the world.

Lastly, I want to share a song with you that I cling to. It helps me when I am feeling down, helps me when I think I just can't go on anymore. It reminds me that one day I will get to be with Mama again, and to just hang on a little longer here on earth. I have already shared a phrase from that song with you. I hope it blesses you as much as it blesses me. Read the words, and listen to it on my play list that is here on my blog. I guarantee it will touch your heart!

"HOMESICK" By Mercy Me


"You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times. And at least a thousand times I have rejoiced for you. But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry, Is how long must I wait for you.

I close my eyes, and I see your face. If homes where my heart is then I am out of place. Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow. I've never been more homesick than now.

Help me Lord because I don't understand your ways. The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know. But even if you showed me the hurt would be the same. Cause I am still here so far away from home.

I close my eyes, and I see you face. If homes where my heart it the I am out of place. Lord, won't you give me strength to make through somehow. I've never been more homesick than now.

In Christ there are no goodbyes. And in Christ there is no end. So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have. To see you again. To see you again."

I LOVE you Mama, and I cannot wait to see you again!
Love Your Daughter,
Paige

~Below are pictures of Mama~

Mama and me

Mama and me

Mama and me

Mama and me

Miriam Anne Bullington (Mama)

Miriam Anne Bullington (Mama)

Miriam Anne Bullington (Mama)

Miriam Anne Bullington (Mama)

Miriam Anne Bullington (Mama)

Miriam Anne Bullington (Mama)

Miriam Anne Bullington (Mama)

Mama, Daddy, me, Carla, and Jared

Mama, me, Carla, Jared, Mandy, Maria Rose, and James Greg

Mama, me, Carla,and Jared

Mama, me, and Carla

Mama, me, and Carla

Mama and Mandy

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